On the drive home from the hospital, we both felt numb and in shock.

At home as I lay on my bed, I called my mum. I remember my dad answering the phone, excited to hear from his daughter. I asked for my mum who took the phone from him and I began to tell her through heavy breathless tears that my baby had died.

I had never felt heartache like this, my chest physically hurt and my mind was numb. I’d wake from a restless sleep and just cry, unwilling to accept that my baby was asleep inside of me and wouldn’t be waking up.

I was scheduled for a D&C a few days later, a procedure where they remove the remains of the foetus from your uterus. I had mixed emotions about going down this route to manage my miscarriage. Whilst I knew my baby was gone, I also felt guilty as if I was forcing my baby to leave my tummy before she was ready to go. But the night before my surgery, I started to bleed heavy clots and I knew my miscarriage was beginning.

For the next few hours and into the early hours of the morning I was in the most pain I had ever experienced. I hadn’t been prepared for a natural miscarriage, no-one had talked me through what to expect. I was scared and afraid of what was happening. The cramping became overwhelming, my head dizzy and my body hot with sweat.

My husband called our doctor for advice who told him to take me to hospital but adamant I wanted to be in my own bed, we stayed put. I soon passed out with exhaustion and managed a few hours of much needed sleep. When I woke, the cramps were immediate and more powerful than before.

Convinced I was going to be sick, I went to the bathroom as my husband called my mum for support. I began to shiver, my body fleeting between hot and cold sweats. My head felt heavy as pins and needles shot up both my arms. In that moment, I felt the urge to push and I screamed for my husband.

With one big push, I passed my baby and it was over.

“Don’t look Sophie, look straight at me, I’ve got you” my husband was saying as he lifted me from the toilet and guided me back to my bed.

Arriving at the hospital, I felt both physically and mentally empty. I didn’t think I needed the surgery, but my doctor wanted to make sure my miscarriage was “complete” and so dressed for surgery, I was wheeled into the theatre room and put under general anaesthetic.

When I woke soon after, a gentle nurse took my hand and whispered to me that it was all over.

In all of this, my darling husband was the one who kept it together. He remained strong for the both of us despite being in so much pain himself. He made sure I was looked after, putting my needs before his own. And for that, I am forever grateful to him.

Going through this changed me in so many ways. I lost a huge part of myself that I haven’t gotten back. My innocence of a new pregnancy forever taken away from me. My happiness, confidence, self-esteem gone overnight. I’m broken and to this day I’m still piecing myself back together. But I am stronger and I am more resilient than ever before.

I’ve read that even if you lose your baby, your baby’s DNA lives on in you. I find that thought comforting, that our baby is and always will be a part of me.

If you’re experiencing a miscarriage or have experienced a miscarriage, then I am deeply sorry for your loss. You may not feel it right now, but I promise you that you are much stronger than you will ever know. Please reach out to someone if you are struggling. Turn to a friend, a partner or a professional to help you through this difficult time in your life. You do not and are not alone in this.

You have my support and I’m sending you strength.

Love, Sophie xx