“I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat”.

It’s been one whole year since those words were spoken. One whole year since we were told that you were gone, that we had suffered a missed miscarriage. Yet, I remember it as if it were just yesterday. I remember my heart shattering into a million pieces, the room so cold and suffocating as the walls closed in on us.

It’s been one whole of year of missing you, of grieving you and of wondering who you could have been. In my dreams you never left, and our lives are filled with so much love and happiness. But then I wake up and I remember that it’s just that, it’s just a dream.

I used to think that all it would take for me to heal would be to fall pregnant again, but that’s never been true. I can never replace you. You were, you are, my first baby. You made me a mum from the moment we knew we were expecting you. We loved you from that moment onwards, and we loved our future lives with you in it.

A piece of my heart will always belong to you.

Grieving you has been the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. How do you grieve someone that you never met but who you loved with every ounce of your being? How do you talk about someone who was, who is, so important to you yet no-one else knew them?

The truth is there’s no right answer to those questions.

It took me a long while to accept that I had lost you and it took me even longer to be able to grieve you, to talk about what it was like to be pregnant with you and then to lose you.

Being pregnant with you was the greatest gift. You covered me with a blanket of unconditional love, and you made my heart so full. That’s why it’s so hard to say goodbye to you.

It’s only as I’m writing this that I’m realising that’s what I need to do. I need to say goodbye to you. I need to let go of the past, to let go of this pain in my heart and to allow myself to move forward and believe that one day soon, we will become parents again and bring home our baby.

So, my darling Bluebell, I’m sorry you didn’t get to stay. I’m sorry I couldn’t keep you safe. I’m sorry you never got to meet your daddy, he’s truly the best man and would have been a perfect daddy to you. I’m sorry that we lost you.

But thank you for giving us the pleasure of knowing what it’s like to be pregnant with you, to love you and to cherish you. Thank you for leaving an imprint in our hearts that will be there forever. Thank you for making me a stronger person. It’s because of you that I know I’m supposed to be a mummy and my husband a daddy. And it’s why we won’t give up trying to bring home a baby, a sibling for you.  

Sleep tight, our angel baby.

Love, mummy xx