When I was just 24, I came off the pill with the intent of allowing my body to recover from the years of forced hormones I’d been taking to prevent me from falling pregnant. At the age of 26, I sought advice for heavy and painful periods from a gynaecologist who ran hormone tests and performed a couple of uterine scans to check everything was okay. And at that time, it generally was.

Even back then I was preparing my body for its ultimate job; to conceive and carry a baby.

Fast forward to today and I can hardly believe that this is my story, that I’m struggling to conceive and carry a healthy baby. I did so much to prepare for this journey before it even really began, but it hasn’t come as easy to us as I’d have hoped and I’m instead currently three transfers into IVF and fighting with everything I have to conceive and bring home our baby.

So how did I get here and why IVF?

After my miscarriage, I suffered with depression and anxiety. I just couldn’t accept that after all of this time, we had just one pregnancy that ended in a loss. Mentally, I couldn’t wait however long it would take for us to conceive again with the potential risk of losing another baby. We needed to know if something was making it difficult for us to conceive and if so, how could we fix it?

Sadly, the NHS will only support you after three consecutive and heartbreaking miscarriages (which is totally bonkers, but that’s for another blog). So, we went private and sought answers from the same gynaecologist who treated me at the beginning of this road in 2016 and again later for my miscarriage in 2020.

Over a period of a few months, we had many tests that in the end confirmed that there was an underlying issue and that we would likely need assistance to get pregnant. We were then referred to a fertility specialist, who reviewed all of our tests and advised that IVF with ICSI would be our best chance of successfully conceiving. 

Whilst IVF is a big commitment that takes a lot of thought and research, it was also light at the end of a very dark tunnel for me personally. The idea of IVF restored the long-lost hope in me, and it gave me a new energy and a new fight.

With a hopeful heart, we began our IVF journey in September 2020 and that went a little something like this:

I was put on the long protocol which involved switching off my ovarian function prior to inducing ovarian stimulation. Down regulation for me was fairly simple and uneventful. It was the hormone injections to stimulate my ovaries to increase more eggs that I found quite difficult. My husband would inject the same area nightly as I’d tell myself that every injection was one step closer to my baby. I would literally repeat this in my head as a way to distract and remind myself that all of these injections would be worth it. These drugs made me so bloated, uncomfortable and a little teary with emotion… (okay, so maybe they made me more than a little teary, but you’d be the same if you were injecting your body with a lot of hormones!) During this time, I would have regular visits to my clinic to check the progress of my follicle growth and this was always done via an internal scan with the famous wand (it’s never pleasant having a cold wet stick forcing its way through your cervix, but again I’d repeat in my head that this was another step closer to my baby.)

The next stage was sedation to have my eggs removed. For this, I took with me my good luck charms (a rosary bead that was once my grandmas and an angel my mum had given me from a time when she was sick) and left them with my husband whilst I was put to sleep. When I woke, I was a little groggy and my blood pressure low but otherwise okay. When I got home, it was straight to the sofa with a movie and a brew, brought to me by my doting husband!

We had collected just seven eggs which given my age, I was disappointed with but the next day we had a call to say that all seven had been fertilised which is pretty amazing (so please don’t be disheartened if you were expecting more eggs than you got, it’s the quality that counts). For us, we used ICSI which means the sperm was actually injected into the eggs to aid fertilisation. Over the coming days, we received phone calls to tell us how our fertilised eggs were performing. The wait for those calls was filled with so much anxiety and anticipation, but thankfully for us six of our eggs made it to blastocyst stage which was a huge relief.

Five days later and with five days of progesterone in my system, we did our first embryo transfer with a grade 5AA hatching blastocyst and the rest of our precious embabys were frozen for later use. The transfer itself is a little unpleasant but again, I kept telling myself that I was one step closer to my baby and that helped ease my anxiety and slight embarrassment of the process. You’re given a gown to wear and after removing your bottom half, you lay on a bed with your legs spread apart and a spotlight shining on your nether regions whilst the embryo/s is inserted into your womb via a cannula. The magical part of this invasive process is that you can watch on screen as your little embryo/s is placed back into its home where you pray it will nestle in for the next nine months.

You then wait up to two weeks (depending on the guidance of your doctor) to take a pregnancy test. Those two weeks can be the longest two weeks ever and can be very stressful as unlike when you’re trying naturally, you know there is a fertilised egg in there and you’re pleading with it to stick around! During this time, I do whatever I can to keep myself calm be it through gentle walks, some light yoga, binging on a Netflix series and/or reading a hefty book!

Whilst physically IVF is tough, it’s the emotional side of things that is just huge and so much more than I think I was prepared for.

Not only are you putting your body through so much with the daily injections, drugs, egg collection, scans and transfer, your emotions are really all over the place. It’s exhausting, especially if you don’t have success on your transfer and you need to go again and again (like me).  For me, I find that I sometimes struggle to put on a ‘brave face’ and get on with things because truthfully, sometimes I just don’t have the energy in me. Having a baby goes to the very core of who I am and to be hoping and wishing for a baby month after month and it not work, is utterly draining.

I decided early on that I wanted to be open with those closest to me about the journey me and my husband are facing, and it was the best decision we made because whilst they cannot really understand the mental toll that this process can have on a person, they at least try to, and they remain respectful of both of us during this time. It’s important to have support through this journey because you do experience some very lows that can challenge even the strongest of people. And we’re forever grateful to our friends and family for their support.

Throughout my journey so far, I’ve learned to ask all of the questions that cross my mind, no matter how silly or far-fetched they seem. Having my consultants mobile number makes me feel like I’m receiving personal 121 care and being looked after during what is a very emotionally charged process… and it means I get away with asking things that randomly come to mind vs having to wait to see her in clinic. Use that support to your advantage, and don’t feel like you’re ever asking too much.

This is your journey, trust your own instinct, acknowledge and appreciate how much you’re going through and look after yourself. You are your number one right now.

May we be blessed with lots of baby dust soon!

Love, Sophie xx