…time of the year said no infertile ever.

Whilst many spend the festive season partying, drinking, letting their hair down and generally loving all that Christmas means and brings, for those who are struggling to conceive or who have experienced a baby loss, it can be a painful reminder of what they don’t have. A baby cradling in their arms. A toddler sneaking out of bed to spy on Santa Claus or a child to lovingly watch tear open Christmas presents from under the tree.

I remember how it was for myself this time last year. Whilst I dressed my tree with twinkling fairy lights and glitter baubles, inside my heart was heavy for the baby we had lost earlier in the year and for our first failed IVF transfer just weeks before Christmas Day. I didn’t have the energy to join in any parties with a fake smile on my face, I was simply too exhausted. All I really wanted to do was get through it quickly, avoid my social media that seemed overloaded with scan pictures in front of Christmas trees and put what was the worst year of my life behind me.

What makes Christmas especially hard is that it’s a time for families to come together in celebration. Normally that’s my favourite thing to do. I’m blessed with a gorgeously supportive family whom I love so much, but even for me it was too much because I just wasn’t in a happy place. So, when good old Boris Johnson announced another lockdown, I was so relieved because it meant that I could hide myself away for a little longer.

New Year was much the same…

Whilst I wanted to put the year behind me, I also struggled to feel the same energy for the New Year that I had felt in previous years. I was afraid of what the following year would (or rather, would not) bring me and my husband. I didn’t go into the New Year feeling hopeful, I walked into it more anxious than I’d ever felt before. Could I take a repeat of the year before? What if our treatment doesn’t work again? Will we have a baby for Christmas next year? Will I be happy?

All questions that no-one had the answers to.

I am so blessed to say that we are pregnant this Christmas and I get to look forward to a brighter New Year welcoming my two babies in the not too far future. I can say today that I’m enjoying the build-up to Christmas and getting to see my family because I genuinely feel happier than I’ve felt in a very long time. The storm I’ve been living for the past couple of years has passed and I’m very lucky to be able to say that.

But I’ve not forgotten any of what we’ve had to go through to get here. Being pregnant has helped to bring a genuine smile back to my face and has even helped to heal my broken heart, but it hasn’t erased the memories of my past heartaches. This year alone, I’ve gone through a second miscarriage and a further three IVF transfers with my fourth (whilst successful) landing me in the hospital with severe OHSS. It has been an incredibly tough, roller-coaster of year.

It’s why I wanted to write this blog.

I want those who are struggling this time of year to know that it’s okay to be sad. It’s okay if all you want to do this Christmas is survive and get through it quietly. But know that you aren’t alone in how you’re feeling, I’ve been there, and others are there with you right now. Storms do end, you will find a way through the grief and the heartache. But keep going because you are loved, and you can do this.

All my love,

Sophie xx