A year ago, I closed my (work) laptop for the year ahead, ready to start my maternity leave five weeks ahead of my babies scheduled arrival. I was excited to have the break from work, having faced a couple of challenging years keeping myself above water whilst trying to balance both a demanding work environment and fertility treatment. A year on, and I’ve made the decision not to return to my former employment.

I am now officially a STAY AT HOME MUMMY!

I thought choosing to stay home would be an easy decision as, after all, it’s always been my dream. But I have surprised myself by spending countless moments feeling anxious about this next chapter and questioning whether I’m making the right decision for the twins, my husband and myself.

Working in advertising for the years that I have, I was challenged and pushed day after day. I definitely had moments of feeling deflated and overworked, but ultimately, I always knew that I was good, if not great, at my job. I had security, a great team, many benefits and even the potential to continue to climb the career ladder.

But truthfully, I lost a lot of myself from a work perspective the moment I lost our first baby. I changed; my life changed. How I viewed my work life in particularly changed. I felt like I had lost my sparkle and I struggled to get it back. The endless meetings and arguments over silly things, no longer seemed important. I can still recall heavy meetings, with the temperature running hot between all involved because we had to go again at the same presentation we’d worked so hard on initially, and I’d think to myself that really, none of this actually matters. I didn’t have the same energy and enthusiasm that I once had for the work that I was doing, and I felt more mentally exhausted at the end of each day than I had ever felt before. My heart just wasn’t in it anymore.

And so, when the twins arrived, there was a part of me that always knew I wouldn’t be returning to work. I felt I had a new purpose and that was to be at home with my babies for as long as I could be.

My babies needed me, they still need me, but I also need them. Maybe more than they need me right now.

I went through so much to bring them into this world, and we spent so much money, that I’m just not ready to let them go and put them into the care of others. You could argue that I’m selfish for keeping them at home, that they would thrive in nursery and maybe you’d be right. That said, I know that I’ll be the best stay at home mummy that I can possibly be for them.

Choosing to stay at home with them of course comes with some sacrifices, mainly financial. However, as my husband keeps reminding me, it’s not forever. One day I do want to return to work, and I may even choose to dip my toes into something brand new if given the opportunity. I’m fully capable of juggling both, I’m sure, as many other amazing parents do. But for today, I feel content with my decision. It’s what is right for us as a family, and it’s an absolute privilege to be able to be with Mason & Blair day after day, all day.

I have no doubt that it’ll come with its own challenges and even frustrations at times, given how hard being a mum can be! But I can confidently promise that they’ll always get the best of me each day, and together we’re going to make this next chapter one to remember forever.

Love, Sophie xx