This one’s for you, my dear pregnant friend.

This may not be the easiest of reads, I know that because it’s not easy for me to write either. What I’m about to write is so deeply rooted in me, it’s so complex and confusing in my own mind that I don’t fully expect you to understand it. But I felt it was time to be honest with you because this is a journey that we’re both on, together. It will be hard for you too.

You’re pregnant and that’s truly wonderful news and whilst I’m so happy and excited for you, I’m hurting deeply for myself, for my husband and for the difficult journey that we’re facing.  

You told me gently through your own tears that you were pregnant, and I could feel both your excitement and fear in that moment. Not fear for yourself, but fear for how I would react. You were worried that my feelings would be hurt and one of the first things you said to me was, “I understand if you need some distance from me”. You’re such a wonderful, sensitive, loyal and thoughtful friend to even think of me and my feelings in that moment. It’s one of the many reasons why I love you.

Our relationship since then has been a little more difficult in some ways. There’s an elephant in the room neither one of us feels comfortable to address. And that hurts my heart a little, because I know I’m the reason for your silence. And this is where it gets complicated and muddy…

You see, one of the nasty side-effects of miscarriage and fertility struggles is jealously. It really is possible to feel both utter happiness for you and extreme jealously for myself. I’ve never been one for jealously, it’s an ugly trait that’s caused me much distress, but I understand now that it’s very possible to feel it so deeply when you’re in my shoes. I’ve felt it more with you because I know how easily it was for you to fall pregnant which is a stark contrast to the bumpy journey that I’m riding. And that’s not your fault, of course it’s not and I know that. I guess I just can’t believe my own bad luck.  

You may have noticed that I don’t often ask about your pregnancy and that can come across as me not caring. But I do, I care so deeply. The truth is that whilst I want to know everything about your pregnancy, I also want to know as little as possible because the reality is, your pregnancy reminds me of my loss and since then, my own failure to conceive. There are days where I want to ask you so much about how it’s going, and for you to tell me about every kick and hiccup you’re experiencing. But I stop myself because I’m scared that you may say something unintentionally that will trigger me, and it will send me into a pit of self-loathing and darkness. I sound so selfish; I can hear it myself through the words that I am writing, but I guess it’s just one of the only ways I know how to protect my heart.  

I sometimes withdraw from you because I don’t want to bring you down with my pain. It’s difficult for me to tell you that I feel so left behind. I sometimes feel like I’m on the outside looking in at my own life, and from above I can see you with our mutual loved ones planning for the arrival of your gorgeous baby and I feel angry and embarrassed that I’m stuck in time. I want to join in, I want to be there for you more than anyone because you’re one of my favourite people in this world, but I’m paralysed with fear, unable to take that step forward. Because of this, I doubt myself as your friend.

Feeling this way has caused me great distress and guilt. I am ashamed of how little I’ve been there for you, but deep down I know that it’s my pain that is causing these feelings. It’s not me, it’s not the real me and the me before my miscarriage. I think, I hope, you know that too.

I want you to know that no matter how difficult this is for me, your happiness makes me happy. I want to see you happy, and I want to see you grow into the beautiful mummy I know you will be.

So please forgive me for how I feel, please be patient with me and don’t give up on me and on our friendship. I am trying every day to be better to you, to be there for you in ways I know you’d be there for me. Because you’re my best friend, my anchor and my sunshine.

Love, Sophie xx