..IVF and baby loss is a lot harder than I expected it to be. Whilst I’m incredibly grateful for where I am today, I can’t shake the deep feeling of anxiety and fear that lives with me daily.

Going through the trauma of infertility, IVF and baby loss has in many ways scarred me. It has robbed me of my naivety towards a new pregnancy and stolen my ability to relax and trust that everything will be okay.

We’re of course excited that we’re pregnant, but we’re also so scared of allowing ourselves to get too excited incase our happiness bubble is burst. We live on a countdown to each appointment, often holding our breaths until the next one arrives. Any slight movement from me in the night immediately wakes my husband, him fearing that something has happened. Our senses are heightened, and we monitor every ache and pain to make sure everything feels ‘normal’.

Just today, my consultant squeezed me in for an appointment to check on the babies because I was experiencing some continuous cramps and my anxiety had reached a level that was more than I could cope with. These cramps I had been told previously were all a normal result of my growing uterus, but my mind had built them up to be a cause for concern. And guess what? It absolutely isn’t a cause for concern and both babies are fine and healthy (thank goodness) but that’s what pregnancy after loss has done to me. It’s a whole new kind of rollercoaster for me to ride!

I’m very fortunately monitored every second week by a very supportive consultant, so I get to see my babies wriggling away on screen often but truthfully, I fear every scan I walk into, thinking “am I going to be delivered bad news?” As soon as I get into the scanning room and I lay down, I close my eyes and ask the doctor to tell me first that my precious babies’ hearts are beating and only then do I let out a sigh of relief and enjoy what I can see in front of me.

I feel like this because I’m already so in love with our two precious babies that we’ve fought so hard for, seeing them wriggling away on screen and knowing their genders warms my heart so much that the fear of losing them is so overwhelming, it can cripple me on days when my anxiety creeps to its peak.

But I deserve to enjoy my pregnancy just like anyone else would who hasn’t experienced the loss of previous babies or the war of infertility and IVF. Despite the above, I try each day to celebrate my growing belly and cherish it through photos which my sister encouraged me many a times to start taking before I did. In the shower, I often take a moment to stare at my naked belly and thank my babies for staying with us. Lately, my husband has started to lay his head on my belly to try hear and feel them moving around, speaking to them as he does this.

I may have to fight a little harder to believe that I will get to bring our gorgeous babies’ home from the hospital with us come March next year, but that doesn’t mean I’m not excited. I have this, I can do this.

Come on Baby Potters, keep kicking away all the way through to March 2022.

Baby dust and love to anyone reading this blog.

Sophie xx